April 29, 2008...5:19 pm
A Ride on the Staten Island Ferry
I recently returned from a business trip to Los Angeles and was feeling beat down and lifeless by the savagery I witnessed there. If you’ve never been, Los Angeles is like an extremely hot Buffalo, New York that stretches on for hundreds of miles in every direction no matter where in the city you are. It’s filled with every idiot you’ve ever known and they are all rich and tanned and medicated in ways even I find perverse. Their arteries have all made out of Naugahyde and their blood is just a weird chemical soup designed to “cleanse” and “rejuvenate.”
I needed to get my head together so I hopped on the Staten Island Ferry, as is my custom in such situations. There I met a group of Japanese teenagers who were doing acid with one of the deck hands near the bow of the boat. They offered me some but I declined as I had a important meeting with legendary comedian Sal Richards later in the day and opted instead to snort Oxycontin. One of the teenagers, a chubby boy, was apparently having a bad reaction to the drugs and began to sweat profusely and mumble to himself. Suddenly, an for no clear reason, he lunged towards one of the girls, scooped her up in his arms and threw her overboard. The whole incident took place in a matter of seconds. She came down hard in the water, thrashed about briefly and then sank. A German couple nearby began to panic. I turned to the deckhand.
“What the hell do we do now?”
He shrugged, “Sit back and listen to the women scream.”
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